I recently received some very good advice from a friend of mine. He said that people didn't like being lectured at, that they wanted to be able to connect with my struggles. That people really wanted to know how I felt.

I've always had a hard time expressing myself, especially to others, partly because I've had trouble dealing with my own emotions a lot of the time. I've been through a lot of crap in my life - which is something pretty much anyone who's heard my life story can agree on - and eventually, to keep your sanity and to keep yourself moving, you stuff down all your emotions into a box in your mind (labeled "crap") and push it into the corner. I'm still learning how NOT to do that, since I don't have to be in survival mode anymore.

But also, partly because I'm afraid that I'll come off as a whiny little emo kid.

But if people really want to know about how I feel, I guess I can tell you.

Mostly, I feel angry. I mean, I'm not getting a fair deal because of something that's not my fault. It sucks.

I weird people out by being too open, because I have trouble knowing what to say or when to say it. Also because sometimes, it feels like it hurts to hold things in. Sometimes things want come out, and holding them in takes energy, as does waiting my turn. 

Usually, this is because I'm in ADD mode, where I constantly having to be doing SOMEthing. Moving around, drawing, knitting, talking. I can't sit still in those times.

Or I weird people out because they just don't understand that I only have a certain amount of energy I can spare for interacting with people. Any more than that, and I get cranky. Ilsa being cranky is not a fun thing.


But I digress. I thought about writing today because it occurred to me that I will probably always harbor a hatred for "the popular kids". The ones who have fine-tuned social skills.

The reason this occurred to me is that there is someone in my Anatomy & Physiology 1 class who has always seemed like one of the aforementioned "popular kids." And because of that, I hate him. I'm sure that deep down, he's a nice guy, but we've had several classes together and we've barely spoken. I can't help thinking I probably come off as too much of a dork. 

Whether or not this is true, I have no idea. I'm probably just projecting. But there are times, and other geeks might be able to back me up on this, that you get the feeling people look down their noses at you, just because you happen to like Doctor Who or anime or something. (I happen to like both, by the way.)

I had been hoping I was past my dweeby phase. Apparently not. Whenever I go into my A&P classroom, I feel like I'm back in High School for some reason.

High School was literally the worst time of my life. You couldn't pay me to go back to that hell. 

If the Zombie Apocalypse DOES happen in December, I hope I get a chance to snipe some of my reanimated classmates and the some of the faculty before I get bitten. Yes, even the administration at the time treated me like dirt. Fuck you, Newport High School.

It's lucky for them The Force isn't real, otherwise I might have turned into freaking Darth Vader.


In case anyone is worried, no, I'm not going to go shoot up a school. I do have a pretty strong conscience, and I also know that most of the people there didn't realize the effect they had on me, otherwise they might have been nicer. Besides, I have heard that non-assholes might be running the school soon.

Take Note

Take Note, by Ilsa Kasmar


If you think
I am only a word,
Or a collection of labels,
You're wrong.

If you think
I am only a number,
Or a blip on the radar,
You're wrong

They call it Asperger's Syndrome
But the truth is,
You don't know how to deal with me,
Do you?

I refuse to blend in with the crowd.

One day,
I'll burst from my chrysalis
With wings more colorful,
More beautiful,
Than the world has ever seen before.

So take note.
I am more than you think I am.