Why is drawing so damn hard?!

Started drawing again, and I'm having some trouble. Mainly, I think, because I'm fighting my natural style.

Most artists who have an anime-esque style draw clean and/or thick lines. I, on the other hand, cannot draw a straight line longer than an inch. Or a circle, for that matter. (Seriously, I tried. It had bumps in it.) I've always had thin, wispy strokes that give a sense of a sketch.

But I don't want my drawings to look like a sketch; I want them to look polished. But, apparently, I just can't force myself to draw a different way.

Also, I kind of suck at coloring. And backgrounds. And perspective. And drawing in Photoshop.

...I guess I have my work cut out for me.

Who Am I Now?

Who Am I Now?

My life has changed so much. I know I used to be "the girl who fell for guys who didn't want her." I used to feel bad for myself because I could never find someone who wanted me. Because I would fall for the wrong guy.

I also used to think of myself as "shy".

But... Who am I now? I said I didn't want a relationship because I didn't want to deal with other people's crap. And that's sort of half-true.

Mostly I don't want a relationship because it doesn't seem like I'm going to get what I wanted out of it. I guess what I wanted was love, safety.

Whenever I think of a relationship, I think of someone to hold me, the person you come home to at the end of a long day and  cuddle up to.I still want that, I think.

I don't know. Am I really lonely? Most of the time, no. I have enough people in my life. Most of the time I'm not lonely. But there is a kind of comfort that I miss.

I think a romantic partner is a friend you are on the same wavelength of, and are also romantically interested in. (Which is of course requited.)  I think that person feels like home to you. Someone you can tell everything to, and you are interested in the things they want to tell you.

And I still want that.

But what is the difference between a friend and a romantic partner? The fact that you sleep together?

There are some things I feel like I can't tell my friends. I'm afraid to show weakness to people. I feel embarrassed at having them see the vulnerable, sniveling wimp that I am sometimes. But I feel like I could show that to a romantic partner. I'm not sure why.

I guess it's unsurprising I still have trust issues. But I wish I didn't have them. It probably makes my life harder than it needs to be.

I'm not a broken person anymore. I'm not completely screwed up. But I have some... I guess, glitches, that need fixing.

I'm honestly not sure whether I've suppressed most of my negative emotions or whether I just don't have them as much anymore...