I'm kind of surprised how many page views I've gotten while I was on a sort of hiatus.
I'm just going to write a quick diary entry, so if you were expecting something insightful, sorry to disappoint.
Yesterday, I couldn't take it anymore, so I broke down and wrote something. I didn't realize it before, but I've been having a buildup of creative energy. It's like some strange force I can't control. Which is why I've been essentially trying to shove it in a box. Plus, the outlet I like the most is drawing, but I just can't stop seeing how much it sucks. The only thing I'm good at drawing is anime eyes, and that's only because I've drawn them over and over.
I think the very nature of drawing is what makes this hard. You have to balance form and creativity. You can't just GO-- you want it to look good, after all. So you draw, then you tweak it. And tweak it. And tweak it. And in doing so, you have to realize how much better it could be. And it never feels done.
So I always feel like I suck. Part of that is that I don't have enough practice. But part of that is the nature of the beast.
This constant tweaking is why drawing comics are hard for me. I get the basic idea down, and then I have to choose whether I stop and tweak it, or whether I move on to the next page. And when you're just starting something, you want to get a big chunk of it done so you don't feel like you've just started. Plus, I have a tendency to abandon my projects pretty quickly. For a lot of reasons. Too busy, got bored with it, depressed at my own skill level, too much work, etc...
A lot of it is BECAUSE it's so hard to control. When I'm in school, I'm pretty much always supposed to be doing SOMEthing. And sometimes, when I should be doing something important, an idea grabs me and won't let go. And if I ignore it, I lose interest in it. (Story of my life.) And then I slip out of my creative cycle, as that stuff keeps happening.
Once I'm out of school and working full-time, because of the nature of the job that I'm doing, I can't take my work home with me. So when I'm not working, I'm free to do what I please. So it'll be easier to be artistic.
I guess I could do it now, but it would be a lot harder. I would have to actually schedule things, and I know I don't do well with that. I'm pretty sure it's part of Asperger's. I could always give it a try again, but I think my problem is that I get way, way too obsessive about it.
I think I'll work with my life skills coach. She might be able to help a lot, since she has experience with other people on the Spectrum. Maybe there's a way to do this that will work for my brain.
I'm glad I wrote a journal entry. Now I actually might have a solution, instead of just being frustrated.
--Me
