Not a clue what this is about...

Today, I was thinking about people. Specifically, the jocks and cheerleaders of the world.

You know the ones I mean: the ones who skate by in life due to their looks and/or money. The truth is, I really really hate them. "They never have to work hard in life! It's not fair!" I was thinking. "They know nothing about the way the world really is!"

And then I realized: neither do I.

Sure, I've been through some things. Maybe had to work a little harder than some at times. But what have I really done? Nothing. I go to school and talk to people and then come home and read or play games or watch TV. What the hell do I know about the real world?

I've never worked. The excuse I've always given people (and myself) is that, since I have Asperger's, I would have to work harder than everything else and probably end up working as a cashier or something (if I'm lucky) which would make me absolutely miserable. Both because I'd probably have to deal with really annoying customers, and because I can't do math very quickly, especially not in my head.

But, well, that's kind of a dumb excuse. I mean, all the reasons are true, but when you add it up... That's not a very good reason.

But more than that, I can't really get inside people's heads. I can't really imagine what their everyday life is like, unless I have experienced it myself. I also can't always tell if they are exactly what they appear to be, or that they have some deep, dark secret.

It's like, if someone is late, it ticks me off. But for all I know, one of their friends had a nervous breakdown, and they had to comfort them. (That was the least morbid, but still acceptable, reason I could come up with.) And they might not tell me, since it's not any of my business.

I ride in the car with my Mom a lot, and she always gets annoyed at the person who does something like cut her off or run a red light. I don't drive, but I gather that this is a very common pet peeve. And just about every time, I think "well, maybe they just found out one of their parents had a stroke or was in an accident and is rushing to the hospital."

Chances are, they are just a jerk. But really, you never know.

I often have imaginary conversations with people. (I know that sounds kind of insane, but bear with me.) It's usually because I have some internal conflict, some knot in my mind I'm trying to unravel. Pretty frequently, I end up preaching (to myself- okay yeah I'm a little crazy, I admit it) about how important it is to tolerate people who are different from you, or to walk a mile in their shoes.

But the truth is, I judge people. A lot. I put them into categories in my mind, imagine what their lives have been like. It's how I  decide whether or not, and how far, I should trust them. I end up being right about half the time. Sadly, the other half, it's often because I overestimate them.

But the truth is, you never really know with people. I realize now that I've been judging people before I get to know them.

Which happens to be the very thing I hate to see other people do.

I also hate hypocrites.

... D'oh!

The thing is, it's a lot safer to do that. People can hurt you pretty badly if you let them in. And after awhile, you close yourself off, because you're afraid of being hurt again. Once burned, twice shy. And in my case, it's just freaking exhausting, too.

But, well, once you start doing that... Or at least, when I started doing that... I got judgmental. I started to think I knew everything. And I also got lonely.

I'm just so tired of the drama and noise and SHIT that comes with being around  people, especially in a group of people. And it never ends! It just goes on and on until I can't take it anymore and I have to leave or I'll lose my mind.

...Yeah. I hate people.

I've sort of forgotten my original point, but I don't think people read this because they WANT to be preached at, so who cares?

But I guess I should try to be a little less judgmental. And get out more.

On socializing.

I find it odd that so many Neurotypicals, even those with knowledge of Autism and Asperger's Syndrome, seem to not understand that I hate socializing.

Here's why I hate to socialize: because I always have to be thinking about what I say. I always have to worry that I offended someone, or that they don't actually want to talk to me and are just being polite, or that I missed some nonverbal cue. I always have to stay on my toes, always have to walk on eggshells. 

I get no enjoyment out of it. I never get to relax when people are around. Even if we're not talking, even if we're in different rooms in the same house, I have to be watching them, making sure I don't miss something important. 

The only time I get to relax is when I'm alone, or with someone I trust completely. Other than my parents and my mentor, there are only two people in the world I feel this way about. And that is because, if they have known me for years, and have put up with all of my crap for this long, chances are, there's nothing else I could do to drive them away. And for that, they have my eternal loyalty. I guess that's what a friend is.

It takes years for me to build up that kind of trust with people. I have known both of them so long that I have forgotten exactly how long ago we first met. 

But I do remember the moment when I realized that I trust them completely. In both cases, we had drifted apart. The first was due to busy schedules, the second, geography. But then we started to talk again and I realized "hey, wait, they still want to be friends. Wow." 

I was surprised for different reasons. The first was because, well, we might have known each other for a long time, but we had both changed a lot in that time. And sometimes, people grow apart. I have met a lot of people, but I rarely know which ones are going to stick.

The second was because when I first met him, I was bat-shit crazy. I had clinical depression, low thyroid, ADD/ADHD, and Asperger's Syndrome, not to mention quite a few psychological issues. All this combined to make me a very confused person. I look back on that period of my life with embarrassment. Thankfully, most of it I don't remember, as the depression cast a black cloud over everything back then, making the few things I do remember very hazy. So I mostly expected him to remember me as "that crazy chick he used to know back in America." (He lives on the other side of the world  at the moment.) 

But, as I mentioned, once I started talking to them again, I realized I didn't really need to watch what I say around them. I don't have to worry about offending them. And we could get into weird philosophical conversations, from zombies to love and everything in between. (Try it sometime. It's really fun.)

I consider myself lucky to have friends like that. Because with most people, they don't care what I think, or get offended or unnerved by my personality, or are just idiots. 

(Stupidity is a universal constant, unfortunately. I've mostly gotten used to it, but some people manage to amaze me with whole new levels of stupid that I had previously deemed impossible. I hope they never procreate.)

That is why I don't like to socialize. Aside from the handful of people who I know understand me and that I enjoy conversing with, it's boring and nerve-wracking to talk to people. It can also often be loud and crowded, depending who it is and where we are talking.

There's another important factor: talking to people wears me out. A lot. If I talk to someone for about two hours, even if I like talking to them, I have to go be by myself after that. 

Socializing takes energy. A lot of energy. And if I don't like talking to them and it wears me out, why am I even doing it in the first place?

All of this adds up to one thing: I'd rather be by myself. Seriously, just leave me alone. Please?

Sometimes I do want to talk to people even if I have to watch what I say. Usually it's because we're related and it's rude not to talk to them at least once in awhile, or sometimes it's because they're generally a pleasant person to be around, or it's because they need help with something (whether they know it to not). And, well, sometimes I get lonely. I hate it, but it happens.

But most of the time, I'd prefer to read. Or knit. Or watch TV. Or do schoolwork. Or write. Or play games. Or... 

Yeah, I could go on for a long time like that. I have a lot of hobbies. When you spend lots of time by yourself, you learn to keep yourself busy and have fun doing it.

To sum up: it's nothing personal. I'm just not a people person.