Not a clue what this is about...

Today, I was thinking about people. Specifically, the jocks and cheerleaders of the world.

You know the ones I mean: the ones who skate by in life due to their looks and/or money. The truth is, I really really hate them. "They never have to work hard in life! It's not fair!" I was thinking. "They know nothing about the way the world really is!"

And then I realized: neither do I.

Sure, I've been through some things. Maybe had to work a little harder than some at times. But what have I really done? Nothing. I go to school and talk to people and then come home and read or play games or watch TV. What the hell do I know about the real world?

I've never worked. The excuse I've always given people (and myself) is that, since I have Asperger's, I would have to work harder than everything else and probably end up working as a cashier or something (if I'm lucky) which would make me absolutely miserable. Both because I'd probably have to deal with really annoying customers, and because I can't do math very quickly, especially not in my head.

But, well, that's kind of a dumb excuse. I mean, all the reasons are true, but when you add it up... That's not a very good reason.

But more than that, I can't really get inside people's heads. I can't really imagine what their everyday life is like, unless I have experienced it myself. I also can't always tell if they are exactly what they appear to be, or that they have some deep, dark secret.

It's like, if someone is late, it ticks me off. But for all I know, one of their friends had a nervous breakdown, and they had to comfort them. (That was the least morbid, but still acceptable, reason I could come up with.) And they might not tell me, since it's not any of my business.

I ride in the car with my Mom a lot, and she always gets annoyed at the person who does something like cut her off or run a red light. I don't drive, but I gather that this is a very common pet peeve. And just about every time, I think "well, maybe they just found out one of their parents had a stroke or was in an accident and is rushing to the hospital."

Chances are, they are just a jerk. But really, you never know.

I often have imaginary conversations with people. (I know that sounds kind of insane, but bear with me.) It's usually because I have some internal conflict, some knot in my mind I'm trying to unravel. Pretty frequently, I end up preaching (to myself- okay yeah I'm a little crazy, I admit it) about how important it is to tolerate people who are different from you, or to walk a mile in their shoes.

But the truth is, I judge people. A lot. I put them into categories in my mind, imagine what their lives have been like. It's how I  decide whether or not, and how far, I should trust them. I end up being right about half the time. Sadly, the other half, it's often because I overestimate them.

But the truth is, you never really know with people. I realize now that I've been judging people before I get to know them.

Which happens to be the very thing I hate to see other people do.

I also hate hypocrites.

... D'oh!

The thing is, it's a lot safer to do that. People can hurt you pretty badly if you let them in. And after awhile, you close yourself off, because you're afraid of being hurt again. Once burned, twice shy. And in my case, it's just freaking exhausting, too.

But, well, once you start doing that... Or at least, when I started doing that... I got judgmental. I started to think I knew everything. And I also got lonely.

I'm just so tired of the drama and noise and SHIT that comes with being around  people, especially in a group of people. And it never ends! It just goes on and on until I can't take it anymore and I have to leave or I'll lose my mind.

...Yeah. I hate people.

I've sort of forgotten my original point, but I don't think people read this because they WANT to be preached at, so who cares?

But I guess I should try to be a little less judgmental. And get out more.