Philosophical ramble

Urgh. I'm chafing at the bit today.

I have days, sometimes, when I want to just cut loose, go wild, do all the things I'm not supposed to do precisely because I'm not supposed to do them.

This is one of those days.

It turns out people can get away with that when they're teenagers, but not when they're adults.

I never really cut class before. I always did my best to be Ms.goody-two-shoes.

And you know what? It sucks.

I get tired of following the rules, sometimes. Of always doing what I'm supposed to do. I've used up my patience on the ENDT program. I tried to do what I was supposed to do. I tried to stay in line. And it got me absolutely nowhere.

So now I want to stop pretending I'm one of them-- show my true colors, show my wild streak, laugh at how uncomfortable it makes them.

But I won't. That's what being an adult means-- you have to ignore those impulses.

Well, most of the time, anyways. But when I draw and write, I can be as crazy as I want. Creative outlets give me the ability to get my impulses down on paper-- and then let them go. Once something is on paper, it's out of my brain. Sometimes I can just imagine doing something vividly enough that I don't feel the need to do it anymore.

For example, I can imagine punching someone in the face, and it calms me down. Because I can imagine things vividly enough that it feels like I actually did it, sometimes.

I think that's why I like main characters who are kind of assholes-- because they say and do all the things I want to do, but don't, because it's rude or a bad idea.

It's hard to balance what I should do with what I want to do. I don't see it as having difficulty with impulse control-- I just have a lot of impulses. And if I don't indulge some of them, I'll go bonkers.

I'm still figuring out which kinds of impulses are okay to do, and which ones aren't.

A lot of it is, I have gut feelings about things. Intuitions. But I have a hard time separating what my intuition is from my emotional state.

I don't think intuitions are psychic whatevers. I think it's that I pick up on clues I didn't realize I picked up on. And those can be right or wrong, but they're usually right.

Of course, often, there are datum that I don't actually know, that are crucial to understanding...

Sigh.

Life is complicated.

Rambley rambleston

Journal

I don't know what to do anymore. Everything is so damn confusing. I keep getting headaches. I want to go home.

I don't want to have this meeting. I don't think it will help. I don't really think anything will. I've basically lost all hope of passing the ENDT program by now.

That being said, probably anything else would suck just as much. It's still going to be really goddamn hard-- becoming an adult is supposed to be hard.

But still... I still want to quit and go home. I'd be so relieved.

But I have to keep trying. Other people have hope it can work out. So I have to keep going.

Ugh. I'm so tired. I want to go home and sleep-- so I can go back to that dream I was having before.

I dreamt I was in requited love. It was the most amazing feeling. I felt safe and warm and... Happy. Truly happy. That kind of happiness that could keep you warm for the rest of your life.

I dreamt I had a man who I loved, and loved me back. And when he held me, all the things that upset me didn't exist. For a little while, everything felt right in the world, like all the pieces had fallen into their places. I was whole, and fine the way I was.

I wish I could keep that feeling with me all the time. 

If that's really what love really feels like, then no wonder people do crazy things to find it, get it, or keep it.

And why trashy romance novels sell so well.

I wish I could have stayed dreaming. But (cliché alert!) sooner or later, you have to wake up.

Plus, if I hadn't, I would either not remember it at all, or my dreams would have gone completely south. The night before last, I had a pretty bad dream. It bordered on a nightmare. 

Side note: I found out nightmares are the dreams that are so terrifying you wake yourself up, and are afraid to back to sleep. Not just bad dreams- HORRIFIC ones. So I guess I just have "bad dreams", not nightmares.

Anyways. I kind of wish I could get that kind of love I felt in my dream in real life. But love is one of the few things that you can't just get by working harder. I mean, sure, you can try to meet more people, and at places that correspond to your interests and values, but it's primarily a game of chance. It's like the lottery, only a little more likely. You just have to keep playing until your numbers get pulled.

But I guess if all it required was hard work, I would have found my life partner already.

Bah.

Well, whatever. I guess I should go study for my CPR/BLS class or something. I ran out of words.

Stress

Ugh. I'm still so stressed out. I mean, I knew this was going to be bad, but goddamn. I want to crawl into bed and never leave. I want to do nothing.

But I can't, because I have studying to do.

I really, really, really hate this. I don't know whether this is going to get better. I need it to.

I really don't know whether this is something I can handle.

I'm so stressed. I think I'm on the verge of a breakdown.

Apparently, I do this every quarter. So I don't know if this is different.

I just... I wish the quarter was over. I wish I wasn't so overloaded.

I hate having to ask for help, but I guess I need it.

I think I'm doing the Aspie spiral. Because it feels like everything sucks and everything will always suck here. I hope not.

I think I better call in more reinforcements.

Hmmm...

Ugh. I feel like absolute crap right now.

This quarter so far has been really hard for me. I haven't wanted to admit it, but I'm honestly not sure I can do it. And I'm not sure I can be an ENDT. In fact, I'm pretty sure healthcare in general isn't the right field for me.

I've been dragged so far out of my comfort zone. I get up early in the morning and go home late at night. I've been inundated with the sheer amount of material from Neuroanatomy & Physiology, and the Professor has no idea what he's doing, since he has no training or experience with teaching-- and he's also a chiropractor, so it doesn't even relate to my field. They just switched over to a new interface for the hybrid classes (which we use) and it's a complete and total mess-- nothing is working right and no one knows how to use it. So, frequently, the information on the class website is wrong, but I have no idea which is what. Very little of this is presented visually, which is how I NEED it to be to understand it. The other ENDTs mostly don't seem to like me. I'm really bad at making the electrode marks. (There are some other cons to the class, but I'm forgetting them.)

When I work in a hospital, it's going to be just as bad if not worse. I'm going to have to deal with children, which means screaming, crying, and possibly injury-- me and them. (Kids bite!) I have to worry about breaking confidentiality, which is INCREDIBLY complicated. And I have to navigate the inscrutable social rules of Neurotypicals. Not to mention the bad smells and emergency situations. (Apparently, it's actually OFFENSIVE to people to hold your nose when they smell bad. Even if it's completely awful. Wtf?!)

So, yeah, I'm thinking this was a bad idea.

EDIT: venting made me feel better about it. New resolve and all that.

Perfectionism is overrated

Reading about perspective hurts my brain. But it made me realize that there are about a million things to take into consideration when drawing. If something looks funny, you have to ask why. But there are so many things it could be, maybe it's not worth worrying about.

The reason I don't get mad at myself when I make a mistake in knitting is because I keep in mind that there are hundreds, if not thousands, of stiches in any given piece you're making. So one stitch every now and then is still a pretty good batting average.

I'm just now realizing that drawing is a lot more similar than I thought.

I think I'll just draw for fun and not worry about getting it perfect. Besides, art is supposed to be freedom, right?

Stupid wonky sleep schedule.

It turns out when you wake up at 4:30 AM, an hour earlier than you were planning to, there's really not much to do. Go figure.

Oh, by the way...

I decided to change the title of the blog, but I didn't change the URL, because I didn't want to confuse the few fans I have.

And now back to your regularly scheduled rambles.

On drawing... Again

My school schedule has been bipolar lately-- 3 days of OMG SCHOOL TIEM, then 4 days of boredom. To fill the time, I've been playing app games. This is very bad. My problem is I get involved in them to the point that I lose sight of real life. (Back when I was playing computer games, it was much much worse. I would actually forget to eat.)

But it occurred to me that instead of doing that, I could just write things here. It's actually a lot better for me. So you might be seeing a lot more of me in the future.

Anyways! I kind of want to bitch about drawing for a bit.

I am once again having trouble finding time to draw. Well, also finding motivation. All the things I want to draw are waaaaay too complicated. We're talking several-year stories, here. Plus, most of the things I want to draw are far too complicated for my skills. Seriously, I tried. It it extremely frustrating, to want to express something, but not have the skills to do so. It ends up looking really really bad. I know I shouldn't care, but I do. It's painful to look at.

What I thought of doing instead is doing autobio comics, stuff that has really happened, but real life is so BORING compared to the stories in my head! My heart just isn't in it.

What would be ideal would be taking an art class, but I just don't have the time. I'm going to be not only going to class next quarter, but also going to clinical sites as well. And I've never actually worked before, so it's probably going to kick my ass.

I guess the best thng would be to sort of draw something every day, but when I try to just sit down and draw something, it doesn't turn out well.

What might not be a bad idea is to work on drawing anatomy-- find pictures of different poses, and draw them. And also scenery... I'm really, really bad at scenery. I hate it. Of course, I could always take real backgrounds from stock photos, but that just feels like cheating.

But I've tried doing the "draw one thing a day" program, and it never works.

My problem is mainly that I don't know how to be moderate about these things. I'm either 100% into it, or 0%. 100% isn't an option, since I have school, and let's face it, I get bored. But I don't WANT to be 0% into it. My creativity needs somewhere to GO, after all, and I don't want writing to be my outlet. I want it to be drawing.

Meh, well, I'm too tired to think about it anymore. Maybe sleeping on it will help...