Philosophical ramble

Urgh. I'm chafing at the bit today.

I have days, sometimes, when I want to just cut loose, go wild, do all the things I'm not supposed to do precisely because I'm not supposed to do them.

This is one of those days.

It turns out people can get away with that when they're teenagers, but not when they're adults.

I never really cut class before. I always did my best to be Ms.goody-two-shoes.

And you know what? It sucks.

I get tired of following the rules, sometimes. Of always doing what I'm supposed to do. I've used up my patience on the ENDT program. I tried to do what I was supposed to do. I tried to stay in line. And it got me absolutely nowhere.

So now I want to stop pretending I'm one of them-- show my true colors, show my wild streak, laugh at how uncomfortable it makes them.

But I won't. That's what being an adult means-- you have to ignore those impulses.

Well, most of the time, anyways. But when I draw and write, I can be as crazy as I want. Creative outlets give me the ability to get my impulses down on paper-- and then let them go. Once something is on paper, it's out of my brain. Sometimes I can just imagine doing something vividly enough that I don't feel the need to do it anymore.

For example, I can imagine punching someone in the face, and it calms me down. Because I can imagine things vividly enough that it feels like I actually did it, sometimes.

I think that's why I like main characters who are kind of assholes-- because they say and do all the things I want to do, but don't, because it's rude or a bad idea.

It's hard to balance what I should do with what I want to do. I don't see it as having difficulty with impulse control-- I just have a lot of impulses. And if I don't indulge some of them, I'll go bonkers.

I'm still figuring out which kinds of impulses are okay to do, and which ones aren't.

A lot of it is, I have gut feelings about things. Intuitions. But I have a hard time separating what my intuition is from my emotional state.

I don't think intuitions are psychic whatevers. I think it's that I pick up on clues I didn't realize I picked up on. And those can be right or wrong, but they're usually right.

Of course, often, there are datum that I don't actually know, that are crucial to understanding...

Sigh.

Life is complicated.