Rambley rambleston

Journal

I don't know what to do anymore. Everything is so damn confusing. I keep getting headaches. I want to go home.

I don't want to have this meeting. I don't think it will help. I don't really think anything will. I've basically lost all hope of passing the ENDT program by now.

That being said, probably anything else would suck just as much. It's still going to be really goddamn hard-- becoming an adult is supposed to be hard.

But still... I still want to quit and go home. I'd be so relieved.

But I have to keep trying. Other people have hope it can work out. So I have to keep going.

Ugh. I'm so tired. I want to go home and sleep-- so I can go back to that dream I was having before.

I dreamt I was in requited love. It was the most amazing feeling. I felt safe and warm and... Happy. Truly happy. That kind of happiness that could keep you warm for the rest of your life.

I dreamt I had a man who I loved, and loved me back. And when he held me, all the things that upset me didn't exist. For a little while, everything felt right in the world, like all the pieces had fallen into their places. I was whole, and fine the way I was.

I wish I could keep that feeling with me all the time. 

If that's really what love really feels like, then no wonder people do crazy things to find it, get it, or keep it.

And why trashy romance novels sell so well.

I wish I could have stayed dreaming. But (cliché alert!) sooner or later, you have to wake up.

Plus, if I hadn't, I would either not remember it at all, or my dreams would have gone completely south. The night before last, I had a pretty bad dream. It bordered on a nightmare. 

Side note: I found out nightmares are the dreams that are so terrifying you wake yourself up, and are afraid to back to sleep. Not just bad dreams- HORRIFIC ones. So I guess I just have "bad dreams", not nightmares.

Anyways. I kind of wish I could get that kind of love I felt in my dream in real life. But love is one of the few things that you can't just get by working harder. I mean, sure, you can try to meet more people, and at places that correspond to your interests and values, but it's primarily a game of chance. It's like the lottery, only a little more likely. You just have to keep playing until your numbers get pulled.

But I guess if all it required was hard work, I would have found my life partner already.

Bah.

Well, whatever. I guess I should go study for my CPR/BLS class or something. I ran out of words.