Think of something that you hate doing, and are also very bad at.
Everyone has that one thing they loathe and dread. For some it's math, or history, or something smaller, like washing the dishes, or doing pushups.
Now imagine that skill is essential to get a job, or not get fired from one. Imagine that in every job interview, they test you on that skill. If by some miracle you DO get the job, they test you on it every day. And when you get so exhausted or frustrated from this constant attack on your weakest skill, you break down.
Only instead of being reasonable and cutting you some slack, your boss and coworkers just get angry at you. And you get fired. And then you have to look for a new job. And that skill follows you around, inescapably.
This is basically what my life is like.
Because unfortunately for me, my weakest skill is social interaction. Which means that just standing at the bus stop involves using my weakest skill. I'm not exaggerating; even without speaking, if there is someone at the bus stop with me, I have to try to figure out how to send the right signals. My thought process goes something like this:
"Dammit, someone else is there. Should I smile? Should I just not look at them? If I do smile, just to be polite, how do I smile without making them think I want to talk to them? And if they smile back, does that mean they want to talk to me? Or does it mean they're flirting? If I, as a white person, don't give a polite smile to a person of color, will they think I'm being racist?"
I can't pick up these things by mimicking for some reason, like Neurotypicals do. People have to tell me. But Neurotypicals, who are the ones who DO know the answers, don't realize I don't know. And I don't always know how to ask.
People think of this as a disability. But it's not a disability to be bad at math, or history, or pushups.
So why is it a disability to be bad at conversation?
Maybe it shouldn't be. Maybe we just need to restructure things a little so that it doesn't have such a big impact...
Is that really so much to ask?
--Ilsa Kasmar: An Aspie.
P.S. I started including my real name so that no one thinks I'm stealing.
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