EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

I've been doing a lot of thinking today, and I worked through one of the larger worries I've had looming over me.

One of the (many) anxieties that has been running laps in my brain is the thought that maybe I'm not really an Artist, because there were long periods of time in my life when I wasn't drawing. The reason and "artist" is capitalized and the reason I was worried about it are one and the same: Artists are a kind of clique, like Writers, or Goths, or Electroneurodiagnostic Technologists.

I don't know if most people realize it, but pretty much everything you do, you ARE part of a clique. You might become part of a group based on something physical: skin color, hair color, clothing style (which is complicated enough to melt my brain), whatever. Or your type of career: Healthcare Worker, Government Employee (ew), Firefighter, IT, whatever. Or about a million other things I could name, but I won't, because that would take a really long goddamn time.

I call cliques "tribes" in my head because it's fitting and the word itself explains why we do it in the first place: we want to be part of a group. We feel safe that way, accepted on a basic human level (it's actually on Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, in case you think I'm full of crap). Plus, we get to feel superior to those who aren't One Of The Tribe.

Of course, The Tribe can be subdivided into other kinds of Tribes. Holey cheese, what is it about human beings that we need to make things so incredibly complicated? 

So, back on topic: Artists are one of the many kinds of tribes. And now that I want to go into an artistic field, I was kind of wondering whether I would be accepted as an Artist. (Which would really help me get along with my colleagues.) Or whether I even consider myself an Artist. I mean, unlike a lot of (if not most of) people who go into creative fields, I am not 100% head-over-heels in love with drawing. I love drawing, but not as extremely as some folks are.

But I finally figured out why. Drawing is my special interest, but I learned a long time ago that if I let myself get sucked into it completely, I wouldn't be able to function very well in the rest of life. Because I'm on the Spectrum, I use up a lot of energy doing all the rest of life. The normal stuff, like school, chores, my social life, etc, are hard for me. So in order to do well enough to pass for normal, (which has been my main focus since I found out I have Asperger's Syndrome, and before that I wasn't even functional anyways) I have to devote a lot of thought to them. So I kind of had to push drawing to the side. I had to kind of push my Special Interests into a corner in order to get by.

But if my job, and therefore a large portion of my life, actually revolved around my special interest(s), then I wouldn't have to shove them in a corner.

Which would be wonderful.

I've been worried about whether I would stop finding art fun after doing it 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. (Or more!) And based on this train of thought, I think the answer will end up being no; it'll still be fun. Sure, there might be days I come home thinking oh my god, I never want to draw again. But I doubt that will be every day. I might not wake up thinking "oh boy, I get to go to work today!" But I probably won't learn to hate it either.

Granted, this is all speculation... And between thinking about it and then writing this up, I've used up an hour I could have been doing one of the gajillion other things I need to do... And this doesn't actually change much...

But it makes me feel a lot better. So I'm not going to feel guilty about it. (Yes, I really am that hard on myself.)

I guess sometimes it's helpful to just think about things.


On a completely unrelated note: my legs still kind of hurt from running. And the next two runs are going to utterly suck: 

1. 5 minute warm up walk, 8 minute jog, 5 minute walk, 8 minute jog, 5 minute cool down walk.
2. 5 minute warm up walk, 20 minute jog, 5 minute cool down walk.

I'm going to diiiiieee...


Another random thing: one of these days, I will do the following:

1. Make a list of all the Tribes I fit into,
2. Do research on various animals and see which fits my personality the best,
3. Make a list of all the things I eventually want to do. (Like this list, only a lot longer...)

Those first two would be interesting, and the last would be helpful and possibly interesting.

Of course, when I will do these things, I have no idea... But it never hurts to write it down. The Upcoming Holidays would be a good time to get it done.

Meh, whatever. For now, I have some things to do, so later!