On drawing... Again

My school schedule has been bipolar lately-- 3 days of OMG SCHOOL TIEM, then 4 days of boredom. To fill the time, I've been playing app games. This is very bad. My problem is I get involved in them to the point that I lose sight of real life. (Back when I was playing computer games, it was much much worse. I would actually forget to eat.)

But it occurred to me that instead of doing that, I could just write things here. It's actually a lot better for me. So you might be seeing a lot more of me in the future.

Anyways! I kind of want to bitch about drawing for a bit.

I am once again having trouble finding time to draw. Well, also finding motivation. All the things I want to draw are waaaaay too complicated. We're talking several-year stories, here. Plus, most of the things I want to draw are far too complicated for my skills. Seriously, I tried. It it extremely frustrating, to want to express something, but not have the skills to do so. It ends up looking really really bad. I know I shouldn't care, but I do. It's painful to look at.

What I thought of doing instead is doing autobio comics, stuff that has really happened, but real life is so BORING compared to the stories in my head! My heart just isn't in it.

What would be ideal would be taking an art class, but I just don't have the time. I'm going to be not only going to class next quarter, but also going to clinical sites as well. And I've never actually worked before, so it's probably going to kick my ass.

I guess the best thng would be to sort of draw something every day, but when I try to just sit down and draw something, it doesn't turn out well.

What might not be a bad idea is to work on drawing anatomy-- find pictures of different poses, and draw them. And also scenery... I'm really, really bad at scenery. I hate it. Of course, I could always take real backgrounds from stock photos, but that just feels like cheating.

But I've tried doing the "draw one thing a day" program, and it never works.

My problem is mainly that I don't know how to be moderate about these things. I'm either 100% into it, or 0%. 100% isn't an option, since I have school, and let's face it, I get bored. But I don't WANT to be 0% into it. My creativity needs somewhere to GO, after all, and I don't want writing to be my outlet. I want it to be drawing.

Meh, well, I'm too tired to think about it anymore. Maybe sleeping on it will help...

Weirdos and Geniuses

I just watched A Beautiful Mind for the first time. John Nash sounds like the sort of person I would like to have a discussion with. I notice patterns too, just not the same kind-- not the mathematical kind. There is a theory of mine I wish I could run by him, and it occurred to me I could just post it here.

My theory is, you can't be a genius, or even particularly smart, without being deficient in something else.

We all probably know about savants, like Rain Man, or Kim Peek, or other such folks. But what I have noticed is that the degree of genius in a specialized area seems to be proportional to the amount of defect.

The defect can be anything-- psychological issues, physical disabilities, chemical problems, neurological problems, or just being bat-shit crazy in some other way.

The reasoning for why this is depends on the type of problem, but most can be put down to simply putting more effort into the special interest area. Though in the case of autism, savantism can be put down to the way the brain is wired; one savant who does number calculations uses the exact same brain pathway for number calculations as he does to construct a simple sentence. Not really surprising that pathway becomes super-efficient, is it?

But when it comes to everything else, I think it's simply that the defect makes it difficult for the affected person to live "normally". And the time that person would have spent doing "normal" things is instead invested in the special interest.

For example, I am a self-declared weirdo (damn proud of it, too!) so when I was a kid, not many people wanted to hang out with me. So I spent a lot of time reading books, playing with the cat, watching movies... You know, the misfit thing. So I ended up with a good vocabulary, knowing how to approach the kitty for playtime (and when kitty was DONE being played with), and being able to quote movies at will. Simple, right?

Well, my theory is that's exactly what happens with most smart people, only on a bigger scale. A person in a wheelchair probably can't play sports, so they might spend more time with computers, and thus gets good at working with them. A person with serious psychological issues doesn't trust people, and thus doesn't spend much time with them, and therefore maybe spend more time drawing or painting (which also might help work through some of those issues).

So, it's not really a complicated concept-- I just have no proof to back it up. ^^'

Now if you'll excuse me, my kitty wants to be petted.

--Ilsa

Just finished watching The King's Speech, it was excellent! I should have watched it years ago, I love it.

I'm so glad this movie came out, because it really highlights that disabilities aren't something you can just "get over." and with so many people having seen it... It's really good that it's out in the mainstream.

Such a great story, too...

An Open Letter To All Webcomic Artists Who Had Their Comics On Webcomic du Jour,

To Whom It May Concern,

Okay, this is starting to bother me, so I'm going to put thisnup for all to see.

Let me just state this for the record: I know Adam Kaump, and he is not a bad guy. He didn't mean to piss anyone off or commit copyright infringement. He's just a guy trying to make webcomics easier to read.

I know this because I have sort of helped him with the app from the beginning. I read a lot of webcomics, and when I found one not on the list, I would suggest it.

I happen to know the exact reasoning behind the app being paid, because I Adam and I have been in contact pretty much since it started. The reasoning is because he was putting a bunch of work into making the app work correctly, so he might as well kinda get paid for it. Because seriously, the app required a lot of work. It was pretty buggy in the beginning. The payment wasn't for the webcomics, it was for the work put in to display them. You guys might think that's dumb, but I KNOW it's an honest mistake.

Adam didn't ask me to write this. In fact, he doesn't even know I am and probably would tell me not to bother. But he's a good guy, and he had good intentions. Google Reader basically does the same thing, only it's not paid. Here's the thing: Google probably pays someone to keep Google Reader running. But Google is a GIGANTIC COMPANY with ridiculously large amounts of money. Adam is just one guy. He did this in his free time, just because he wanted to do something nice.

I know, I know, good intentions pave the path to hell. But in a moral context, they need to be taken into account. He's not a gigantic douche, and now that he knows it bothers people this much, he's shutting down the app. So put a leash on the name-calling, please.

I know I'm going to get a lot of backlash for defending Adam, but he's a good guy who made a mistake and doesn't deserve all the hate being thrown his way.

As it happens, I draw as well, and I'm starting to draw comics, and I hope to eventually draw webcomics. However, my art isn't good enough to be ripped off, so I guess it's harder for me understand. Maybe I'll understand better in a few years when my art doesn't completely suck, and someone decides to rip it off.

But for now, could we please just calm the hell down?

--Ilsa

P.S. If you have no idea what this is about, feel free to ignore it.

Brain dump

I'm kind of surprised how many page views I've gotten while I was on a sort of hiatus.

I'm just going to write a quick diary entry, so if you were expecting something insightful, sorry to disappoint.

Yesterday, I couldn't take it anymore, so I broke down and wrote something. I didn't realize it before, but I've been having a buildup of creative energy. It's like some strange force I can't control. Which is why I've been essentially trying to shove it in a box. Plus, the outlet I like the most is drawing, but I just can't stop seeing how much it sucks. The only thing I'm good at drawing is anime eyes, and that's only because I've drawn them over and over.

I think the very nature of drawing is what makes this hard. You have to balance form and creativity. You can't just GO-- you want it to look good, after all. So you draw, then you tweak it. And tweak it. And tweak it. And in doing so, you have to realize how much better it could be. And it never feels done.

So I always feel like I suck. Part of that is that I don't have enough practice. But part of that is the nature of the beast.

This constant tweaking is why drawing comics are hard for me. I get the basic idea down, and then I have to choose whether I stop and tweak it, or whether I move on to the next page. And when you're just starting something, you want to get a big chunk of it done so you don't feel like you've just started. Plus, I have a tendency to abandon my projects pretty quickly. For a lot of reasons. Too busy, got bored with it, depressed at my own skill level, too much work, etc...

A lot of it is BECAUSE it's so hard to control. When I'm in school, I'm pretty much always supposed to be doing SOMEthing. And sometimes, when I should be doing something important, an idea grabs me and won't let go. And if I ignore it, I lose interest in it. (Story of my life.) And then I slip out of my creative cycle, as that stuff keeps happening.

Once I'm out of school and working full-time, because of the nature of the job that I'm doing, I can't take my work home with me. So when I'm not working, I'm free to do what I please. So it'll be easier to be artistic.

I guess I could do it now, but it would be a lot harder. I would have to actually schedule things, and I know I don't do well with that. I'm pretty sure it's part of Asperger's. I could always give it a try again, but I think my problem is that I get way, way too obsessive about it.

I think I'll work with my life skills coach. She might be able to help a lot, since she has experience with other people on the Spectrum. Maybe there's a way to do this that will work for my brain.

I'm glad I wrote a journal entry. Now I actually might have a solution, instead of just being frustrated.

--Me

Why is drawing so damn hard?!

Started drawing again, and I'm having some trouble. Mainly, I think, because I'm fighting my natural style.

Most artists who have an anime-esque style draw clean and/or thick lines. I, on the other hand, cannot draw a straight line longer than an inch. Or a circle, for that matter. (Seriously, I tried. It had bumps in it.) I've always had thin, wispy strokes that give a sense of a sketch.

But I don't want my drawings to look like a sketch; I want them to look polished. But, apparently, I just can't force myself to draw a different way.

Also, I kind of suck at coloring. And backgrounds. And perspective. And drawing in Photoshop.

...I guess I have my work cut out for me.

Who Am I Now?

Who Am I Now?

My life has changed so much. I know I used to be "the girl who fell for guys who didn't want her." I used to feel bad for myself because I could never find someone who wanted me. Because I would fall for the wrong guy.

I also used to think of myself as "shy".

But... Who am I now? I said I didn't want a relationship because I didn't want to deal with other people's crap. And that's sort of half-true.

Mostly I don't want a relationship because it doesn't seem like I'm going to get what I wanted out of it. I guess what I wanted was love, safety.

Whenever I think of a relationship, I think of someone to hold me, the person you come home to at the end of a long day and  cuddle up to.I still want that, I think.

I don't know. Am I really lonely? Most of the time, no. I have enough people in my life. Most of the time I'm not lonely. But there is a kind of comfort that I miss.

I think a romantic partner is a friend you are on the same wavelength of, and are also romantically interested in. (Which is of course requited.)  I think that person feels like home to you. Someone you can tell everything to, and you are interested in the things they want to tell you.

And I still want that.

But what is the difference between a friend and a romantic partner? The fact that you sleep together?

There are some things I feel like I can't tell my friends. I'm afraid to show weakness to people. I feel embarrassed at having them see the vulnerable, sniveling wimp that I am sometimes. But I feel like I could show that to a romantic partner. I'm not sure why.

I guess it's unsurprising I still have trust issues. But I wish I didn't have them. It probably makes my life harder than it needs to be.

I'm not a broken person anymore. I'm not completely screwed up. But I have some... I guess, glitches, that need fixing.

I'm honestly not sure whether I've suppressed most of my negative emotions or whether I just don't have them as much anymore...