The last post- new blog link

The link to the new blog!

A reminder: the new blog is just me talking/rambling/babbling about whatever I fee like. It won't be very Autism-centric. In fact, it will probably be more art-centric. It will also be extremely informal. There is no schedule, no set length, and no real rhyme or reason to my subject matter other than I felt like talking about them.

The title is "From the Mind of an Oddball".

I like this title.

I guess the only thing left to do is bid adieu to those not following the new blog, and say "see you there!" to those who will.

Sayonara,
--Ilsa Kasmar

The second to last post

I almost skipped moving the blog, but since I said I'd do it today, I will make sure I actually do it.

So, the personal change I referred to in the previous post is this: I learned that trying too hard in social situations is not helpful. In fact, it makes it worse sometimes.

Social situations, to me, always felt like a quiz or a test. And I always got as nervous as I would before a quiz or test. I tried to always be "on", always work hard at being... Well, I'm not really sure. Being better, maybe.

It's not really surprising that didn't work out.

I always tried to have something to say, to not let the conversation drop, to be witty... But sometimes it's best to say nothing at all.

I guess I thought I needed to overcompensate, because of the Asperger's. (Well, just Autism now.)

I finally figured out that is doing more harm than good. And in doing so, I finally learned to just... relax. "Be myself", I guess, but I'm done trying to define what "myself" is. I guess "myself" is just what I say and do when I'm not trying to be someone else.

Whatever.

Anyways, now that I've relaxed, I kind of also accepted that I am and always will be Autistic. I'm not as angry anymore. And I don't care as much anymore. It's not the most important thing to me anymore; not the most important part of "myself".

So, that's another reason I'm shutting down Ask an Aspie/The Asperger Chronicles: I'm not thinking about it as much, so I don't have as much to say.

Though, to be honest, I think I ran out of things to say awhile ago. ^^'

So, maybe I'll post every now and again, if I have something about Autism I want to write a piece on that people will see. But for the most part, this will just stay here, floating around.

Meanwhile, if you like my rambles, that's what the new blog will be for!

So I will go set that up. :)

Thanks for reading,
--Ilsa Kasmar

I am moving the blog... Tomorrow.

Yes, the title is true- I am moving the blog to Tumblr... tomorrow. I meant to do it today but I had stuff I was doing, and I am too tired right now. I mostly know this because I kept trying to come up with a name for the new blog, and nothing fit right.

Once I have it set up (which will be easy as hell, god I love Tumblr) I will have my last post on this blog be the new web address. Though, come to think of it, I think I have one last thing to post before that.

That being said, it WILL have a different name, and it won't be Asperger-centric at all anymore. It'll just be about... Well, basically, whatever I want it to. Mostly Art & Geek stuff, is my bet.

I kind of started this as a way of explaining Asperger's to people. I wanted people to hear what it's like from the inside. That's why I called it Ask An Aspie-- if you want to know what Asperger's is like, ask an Aspie!

As Asperger's no longer exists, it kind of makes sense for me to kind of end this project.

Plus, I went through a personal change where I think I finally learned some things that... Well, you can read about it tomorrow. :)

When I have the link set up, feel free to track my new blog. It'll be a lot less "thoughts on Asperger's and Neurodiversity" and more "here's the status of my life/thoughts/this cool thing I found", but if you want to read about that stuff, then hooray!

However, this blog is NOT GETTING DELETED. It's going to stay up, sort of like a digital monument, that people might come and visit from time to time. It still has some good stuff in it, after all.

So, don't worry. The old stuff will stay here, and maybe I'll even update from time to time, when I have things to say about Autism.

But this is not going to be a main blog any more. That's what the NEW BLOG will be. (And I just realized I know what to name it. Ooh, this'll be fun.)

And on that note, I'm going to go bed before I pass out and/or start sleep-blogging. (if that ever happens, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE)

See you tomorrow!
--Ilsa

Sigh.

Ugh. I am so sick of technology not working the way it should. 

My iPad's browser crashes when I have more than two tabs open, or even if I'm not, especially with webcomics. No, it's not because I leave a bunch of apps running in the background, and yes, I've tried browsers other than Safari on it.

My laptop is generally slow and it has a bunch of bugs my Dad can't or won't fix. And he's basically a computer genius, so if he can't, it probably can't be done. Actually, I've lost track of the things that annoy me about my laptop.

And my iPhone, which has always been the most stable, suddenly flipped out on me today and froze. It was barely worth noticing, since it resolved itself quickly, but I'm worried that it's going to start having issues too.

If I could, I would just replace all of them. I mean, all of my technology is out-of-date anyways, by at least 2 years. (I think.) However, that would be hella expensive.

I think what I need to do is come up with a way to replace them, but make the replacements last longer.

For example, instead of a smartphone, get something like the Rugby -- which is extremely tough -- that doesn't have all the fancy stuff I don't really need. I mean, yes, I need to make calls on it, and I'd PREFER it if it could play music, but the rest I really don't need much. And as for music, I could always get an iPod shuffle or something.

And instead of an iPad and a laptop, just have a laptop. Maybe a smaller one, that is iPad-sized, and preferably a Mac. And this time, I'll actually read the manual so I generally know what I'm doing.

Because really, when I am living on my own, I'm going to have a much smaller budget. I need to plan accordingly.

I wish I could skip ahead a few years in life when I am independent, have money, and working. And hopefully, have a successful webcomic.

Because I'm pretty sure I have to go to art school, and be dependent on my parents, for a few more years.

Sure, I could do some shit job that I hate and save up enough money to move out and live on my own, but I don't think that's a great option either.

The only thing I could think of that I might like and that I could probably do NOW is storyboarding, but I'm pretty sure I'd have to move to California to do that, and finding a job would still be hell.

Maybe I could be an intern or assistant for an Illustrator here, or something. I'll ask around.

I know I've written about this probably the last 3 posts I've done, but that's because it's on my mind, and I still can't figure out a solution to it.

I'm unhappy with my life the way it is now. I mean, sure, it's break and stuff, and I love drawing TIS, (short for The Ilsa Show, because whenever I type "webcomic", it gets autocorrected to "Webcomic") but I'm looking towards the future and I'm unhappy with what I see.

I know, I know, it could be a lot worse. I probably shouldn't complain, or be unhappy about it. But this is how I feel, regardless.

I guess I have always wished the world would be perfect, or at least MY world, and it's not, and it bothers me. 

I think I deserve better than what I'm getting. I deserve to be doing what I love and making money at it. And maybe I will, down the road, but that's not where I am now.

Because what I really love is drawing TIS specifically, and drawing in general. But despite the skills I already have, I know it's not enough,  and it will take me awhile until I get good enough.

Being an adult sucks. :/

The webcomic has launched!

That's right! My webcomic, The Ilsa Show, officially launched last night. Website, Facebook page, Twitter: @TheIlsaShow.

The reason I did not post about this earlier was:

1. When the first comic was finally posted--marking the official launch-- it was 10 PM. I went to bed as soon as it was up.

2. I spent most of TODAY cleaning up and then posting some of my stockpiled comics. Yes, having a buffer (comics that you have saved up in case you can't get enough cranked out in time for the update) is important. However, I know from reading webcomics my entire life that it is hard to get into a comic when they only have 1 page up. I think I actually have 4 up, which is still not that much. So yeah, it was necessary.

3. Once I finished doing that stuff, the lat thing I wanted to do was write a blog post. I wanted to either draw more things or take a break. And I took a break, mainly because I had a sort of headache.


Anyways, I am very excited about this! I've actually wanted to do this for awhile, but it wasn't until recently that I got a nudge in the right direction.

If the comic gets popular enough, I will put in a donation thingy and move it to its own website. I really, really want it to get that popular, but these things take time.

It's actually been my dream for years to make a living via webcomickery. I'm definitely a lot closer to that now. It could take years, or never happen, but there's a chance now, at least. Yay!

To my grandparents: since I know you are reading this, I just want to warn you that the stuff I post may not be to your taste. View with caution.

I think I'm going to go draw more things now. Ta!

A stroke of luck

So, thanks to my friend Jeff, I now have a scanner! Turns out his family was looking to give it away for a year or two. They only reason they didn't want it was because it didn't handle photo negatives well (it didn't have automatic dust removal) so they had gotten a new one. Since I don't need it for photo negatives, I just need it for drawings, I happily took it off their hands. (For free, even!)

So yay, that's one less issue with getting the webcomic off the ground. Next week I'm meeting with Lisa (Lisa Island, of Social Bridge) and she'll help me set up the social media stuff. So the webcomic could be up as soon as next week!

Crap, I better draw some more comics! XD

But in all seriousness, I'm actually really excited. The sooner the webcomic goes up, the sooner I get more fans and such.

I'm kind of not-so-secretly hoping the webcomic gets popular enough that it ends up being my job. Or at least, some sort of supplementary income.

But most likely, if that happens at all, it'll be years from now. *sigh*

However, another ray of hope has broken through the clouds of my worries! Jeff, you see, is an aspiring filmmaker! And I have agreed to do storyboarding for him.

I'm not going to be making any money or anything, but it could lead to more things.

I had actually looked into internships for storyboarding but found that everything seemed to be in California. If I recall correctly, I posted about this earlier.

But this could be something to put on my résumé later. And could lead to more jobs.

And if I'm really lucky, Jeff will become a famous director and I'll be along for the ride. I doubt that's going to happen anytime soon, though.

What makes me happy is I can see a path now, a small trail through the dense jungle of life. Things are starting to come together.

Maybe my luck is changing for the better. (I just jinxed it, damn!) Or maybe someone "up there" heard me when I asked for help.

Or, most likely, all the hard work and drive to succeed is finally starting to pay off.

Whatever it is, I'm glad.

Blah.

Sigh. I keep trying to find the right college to get a BA in, but nowhere I look seems to be the right place for me. In Washington, anyways-- there are plenty of good schools out of state, but that's not really an option for me.

It's not like I was expecting to find the perfect opportunity ever -- well, okay, maybe I was hoping desperately for it -- but I guess I was expecting better. Evergreen was looking good, right up until I found out I'd have to MAKE my own BA. Which sounds perfect in theory, but in practice, I suspect would be insane.

I just wish I could be some sort of Assistant Illustrator for a couple years until I'm good enough to be one myself. Or, better yet, maybe the webcomic turns out to be a huge success...

Pfft! Yeah right.

(Oh god please let it be a success. Please, oh please...)

I guess I should feel lucky to have a mentor (sorta) in the Illustration field, but as far as I can figure, it looks like I'm going to be going to a college that only kinda works for four years while I work my ass off to get better, and then have a mostly useless degree. And THEN I can start doing interesting stuff.

That sounds kinda bleak to me. I guess I have my fingers crossed for a stroke of luck (or genius) that will let me skip to the Illustrating part.

I've never been able to count on good luck, and I doubt that I can take a shortcut.

Okay, okay, I know, I do have it pretty good, and everyone has to pay their dues and stuff. But... Well... It sucks.

I'm actually half- hoping that by posting about it, the wisdom of the crowd will help me out somehow. Posting stuff on the Internet is like panning for gold-- you have to sift through layers of useless crap, but there's a chance you'll find a golden nugget hidden amongst the rest.

But probably not.

Oh well. Time to go do something productive now.

Trogdoooooos!

Hey y'all,

Sorry for the radio silence lately. I'll try to be more regular about my updates.

I'm working on a webcomic, and once I have everything set up, I'll link it here.

I'm really excited about the webcomic, because in addition to doing what I love, I've figured out you end up meeting other webcomic artists. And I have a lot of people who's comics I read, and there's a bunch of them I've been wanting to meet since forever. (Mookie, of Dominic Deegan: Oracle for Hire, is a big one!)

I hope meeting Internet peeps extends beyond webcomic folks, though. I've been watching Epic Rap Battles of History lately, and I realized I memorized the Bill Gates vs. Steve Jobs one BY ACCIDENT. I've just watched it that many times. Because it's awesome. But my second favorite is definitely Albert Einstein vs. Steven Hawking. No big surprise I like the nerdy ones.

I really hope I get to meet those guys! They seem like fun dudes. And when they show behind the scenes, it becomes obvious that they put a LOT of work into their videos. And they pretty much do it for free! You rock, guys!

Besides... Seeing NicePeter dressed up as the David Tennant Dr. Who got me all hot and bothered. Mmm, sexy geek Time Lord...

Yeah, I love David Tennant as Dr. Who. Anyone who does a good cosplay of him automatically becomes sexy.

Well, to me, anyways.

Anyways, I'll try to post more regularly, but I'm doing a lot of work on the comic right now. But once that's up, you can enjoy my weird rambles much more regularly!

Wheeeee!

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee

Since yesterday's post was kinda depressing, I decided to post today, now that I'm happier, to balance it out.

I read a lot of Webcomics, and this fact has given me a tremendous advantage. Because even though I wasn't drawing my whole life, I was usually reading the blog posts of the artists. So I know artsy things!

Unfortunately, this means sometimes I hear about some kind of technology they have, and I bemoan my lack of it. Artists have some seriously cool tech sometimes.

Like those computers where you can draw on the screen with one of those special pens? Oh my god. So sexy. I want one.

However, I have no idea what it's called,  and it's probably incredibly expensive. Theoretically, you could do the same thing on an iPad with your finger-- I have a couple of apps that let you draw on them and stuff-- but I have to zoom in a lot. And of the two apps I have that do this (which were, compared to most apps, incredibly expensive themselves) only give you one size of document. Sure, you can crop it and stuff. But the point is, it's kind of unwieldy for what I wanted to do.

Plus, there's the whole matter of me sucking at drawing on the computer.

I know I've said this before, but it frustrates me to no end. Because of the way I sort of taught myself to draw (which was doodling stuff randomly) my style didn't need to be very clean. Because on paper, I can do it in a way that still looks good.

But on the computer, I can't really do that. Because I can zoom in and see every tiny flaw in amaaaazing detail. Then I try to fix it, and it's really obvious I tried to fix it.

Plus, on the computer, I always feel like I should do, you know, color and shading and folds and stuff. Which I never really learned to do. >_>

The joys of having no formal training whatsoever.

I mean, sure there are people who are self-taught who are still really good and stuff. But that's because they always took their art seriously. I didn't really do that-- art was just a fun thing I liked to do. And I always figured I wouldn't be good enough to play with the big boys, so I never tried really hard to learn and perfect and make it gorgeous. I just dicked around to pass the time and have some fun.

So going from "well, I doodle and stuff sometimes" to the realm of Serious Artists (which I kind of think is hilarious sometimes) makes me really nervous. Some of the Serious Artists are also really snobby, so I've always liked to poke fun at them in my head.

Gah. I actually have to work hard at art now. So weird.

I kind of hope that the Art College I pick will have a vibe like my drawing class next quarter will. I know the professor, and I've actually taken his class before-- I just couldn't finish it due to a really severe illness-- so I know it's a good atmosphere. Dale (he tells us to call him that) is really nice and relaxed and--

OH MY GOD I'M A DUMBASS. Why didn't I think to ask the Professor about Art College recommendations?!

Wow. Why the hell didn't I think of that before?

Bah. Oh well. I thought of it now.

Well, this should be interesting.

Ups and Downs of life

I've been thinking a lot about drawing. And it occurred to me that at my skill level, doing those basic storyboards for animated films would be possible. I could maybe look for an unpaid internship for something like that. This idea got me all excited, that I could start drawing for money NOW instead of going through 4 years of art school first.

Only one problem: all the internships like that are in California.

I guess it makes sense, since that's where Hollywood is. Unfortunately that means not so much on the internships.

Now, if this were a movie of my life instead of my actual life, here's what I would do: drive down to California, get some shit job like washing dishes to pay the rent. I would keep applying, keep looking, and just when I was about to pack up and go home, I would magically get my Big Break.

Unfortunately, life doesn't really work like that. So, more likely: art school that costs a friggin' fortune for four years, then I finally get to start looking for jobs. Woo.

What got the former idea to play around in my head in the first place, is I was watching the director of Ratatouille talk about how he got in, and he said he made an animated short (which apparently he finished at fourteen years old)and when he sent it to Disney, they basically said, "hey the next time you're in LA there's a job for you."

I grew up spending more time watching movies than talking to people, so I've only recently realized that these kinds of stories are basically fairy tales. Sure, they happen, but the reason they're remarkable is that they hardly ever happens that way. I've decided to call this way of thinking "Hollywood Logic"; in a perfect world, it would work. Or if I was just really, really lucky. (Actually, if I were really lucky, I would have just grown up in California.)

Well, I guess it's just as well-- I'm more interested in Illustration. I just latched onto the idea because then I might be able to, you know, start sooner.

That being said, if there's a deity listening: considering all the crap I've been through so far, do you think you could give me some sort of, y'know, luck? A leg up? It would be nice.

Life has been hard, primarily because of the Asperger's, but also because of other stuff. And after all that, it kind of feels like Whoever Runs The Universe owes me. Or that it should balance out somehow, because life was so shitty before, it should be really awesome later.

But probably, everyone feels that way to some extent. (Or everyone in America, at least.) We all feel like we've worked hard and deserve to be rewarded with more than we're getting. And that's part of being human: we always want more. The trick to being happy is, I guess, learning to enjoy what we have.

I try to live by that, but when I hit these little mini depressive episodes, it can be really, really hard. (No, I'm not bipolar, and medications wouldn't help me with this.)

Oh well. Whatever it is, though, I'll live through it.

In the mean time, I should watch Mulan or something to put me in a better mood.

I MADE VIDEO BLOGS!

I made 3 vlogs (video blogs) about my trip to the Cornish Arts & Design open house; Before, During, and After. I thought that the readers who haven't seen my face before might like it, and for the rest of you, well, I dunno.

But hey, it's a video blog! Cool, right?

Before:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h9N6iwv871c


During:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R0n1KfBXWpI&feature=plcp


After:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=euOaVN_kkuY&feature=plcp



I'm sorry about the awful angles and sound. And eye contact, but that can't really be helped.

Let me know if this is a cool way of keeping up with my blog. If people like it, I will continue.

Laters!

Return of the EEEEEEEEEEEEE

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!


Okay, now I feel better. I needed to get that out of my system.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

I've been doing a lot of thinking today, and I worked through one of the larger worries I've had looming over me.

One of the (many) anxieties that has been running laps in my brain is the thought that maybe I'm not really an Artist, because there were long periods of time in my life when I wasn't drawing. The reason and "artist" is capitalized and the reason I was worried about it are one and the same: Artists are a kind of clique, like Writers, or Goths, or Electroneurodiagnostic Technologists.

I don't know if most people realize it, but pretty much everything you do, you ARE part of a clique. You might become part of a group based on something physical: skin color, hair color, clothing style (which is complicated enough to melt my brain), whatever. Or your type of career: Healthcare Worker, Government Employee (ew), Firefighter, IT, whatever. Or about a million other things I could name, but I won't, because that would take a really long goddamn time.

I call cliques "tribes" in my head because it's fitting and the word itself explains why we do it in the first place: we want to be part of a group. We feel safe that way, accepted on a basic human level (it's actually on Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, in case you think I'm full of crap). Plus, we get to feel superior to those who aren't One Of The Tribe.

Of course, The Tribe can be subdivided into other kinds of Tribes. Holey cheese, what is it about human beings that we need to make things so incredibly complicated? 

So, back on topic: Artists are one of the many kinds of tribes. And now that I want to go into an artistic field, I was kind of wondering whether I would be accepted as an Artist. (Which would really help me get along with my colleagues.) Or whether I even consider myself an Artist. I mean, unlike a lot of (if not most of) people who go into creative fields, I am not 100% head-over-heels in love with drawing. I love drawing, but not as extremely as some folks are.

But I finally figured out why. Drawing is my special interest, but I learned a long time ago that if I let myself get sucked into it completely, I wouldn't be able to function very well in the rest of life. Because I'm on the Spectrum, I use up a lot of energy doing all the rest of life. The normal stuff, like school, chores, my social life, etc, are hard for me. So in order to do well enough to pass for normal, (which has been my main focus since I found out I have Asperger's Syndrome, and before that I wasn't even functional anyways) I have to devote a lot of thought to them. So I kind of had to push drawing to the side. I had to kind of push my Special Interests into a corner in order to get by.

But if my job, and therefore a large portion of my life, actually revolved around my special interest(s), then I wouldn't have to shove them in a corner.

Which would be wonderful.

I've been worried about whether I would stop finding art fun after doing it 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. (Or more!) And based on this train of thought, I think the answer will end up being no; it'll still be fun. Sure, there might be days I come home thinking oh my god, I never want to draw again. But I doubt that will be every day. I might not wake up thinking "oh boy, I get to go to work today!" But I probably won't learn to hate it either.

Granted, this is all speculation... And between thinking about it and then writing this up, I've used up an hour I could have been doing one of the gajillion other things I need to do... And this doesn't actually change much...

But it makes me feel a lot better. So I'm not going to feel guilty about it. (Yes, I really am that hard on myself.)

I guess sometimes it's helpful to just think about things.


On a completely unrelated note: my legs still kind of hurt from running. And the next two runs are going to utterly suck: 

1. 5 minute warm up walk, 8 minute jog, 5 minute walk, 8 minute jog, 5 minute cool down walk.
2. 5 minute warm up walk, 20 minute jog, 5 minute cool down walk.

I'm going to diiiiieee...


Another random thing: one of these days, I will do the following:

1. Make a list of all the Tribes I fit into,
2. Do research on various animals and see which fits my personality the best,
3. Make a list of all the things I eventually want to do. (Like this list, only a lot longer...)

Those first two would be interesting, and the last would be helpful and possibly interesting.

Of course, when I will do these things, I have no idea... But it never hurts to write it down. The Upcoming Holidays would be a good time to get it done.

Meh, whatever. For now, I have some things to do, so later!

The Road Not Taken.

I literally stumbled onto the perfect analogy for Asperger's and Autism while I was running today.

Unsurprisingly, running on (human) trails is harder than running on pavement. There are rocks and roots you can trip on, it's wet, has random hills and valleys, and there's really no telling where it leads next, unless you've traveled it before.

Well, that's like most of life for me.

Neurotypicals run on paved areas. Ones that they know are safe, because others have done it. And often, there are other people that travel with them-- so they don't feel lonely, and so they lend each other a helping hand.

That's not what life is like for me. I wake up every morning having pretty much no idea what the day will be like. It could be fairly easy, or it could be uphill all the way.

And no one else really travels with me-- no one else has made the exact same journey. There might be people along the way who have similar experiences, maybe even every now and then someone who has very similar experiences, but no one can tell me where to go. When I reach a fork in the road, I just have to guess. I might have clues to help me, or I might not. It's a crapshoot.

Okay, yeah, some of that is just LIFE. But it's a lot harder for me, because of the Asperger's.

What's amazing is, there are actually harder ways to get around-- following animal trails, or even no trail at all. And that's what life must be like for lower-functioning people on the Spectrum. My heart goes out to them for that.

However, there is something that makes some of the blood, sweat, and tears worthwhile. Maybe you've heard this before:

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference. 

Robert Frost


Lately, I've been finding out that people like me. That they think I'm interesting. And I think that this is why: I took the road less traveled by. (Hee, it rhymes. I should write a poem about it someday.) I have unusual thoughts and opinions, and I think people are drawn to that. (Plus, some people think I'm just rebellious, deliberately defying the rules instead of not knowing them.)

Plus, I've been through a hell of a lot, and I've always worked hard. Much harder than most people think. So when I hit paved road (what I'm good at), after traveling trails most of the time, I take off like a fucking bullet!

So maybe it's not so bad, in the end. Things have begun to balance out, finally.

And that makes all the difference.

----------

The Road Not Taken (c) Robert Frost. The rest of the blog post (c) Ilsa Kasmar.

Philosophical ramble

Urgh. I'm chafing at the bit today.

I have days, sometimes, when I want to just cut loose, go wild, do all the things I'm not supposed to do precisely because I'm not supposed to do them.

This is one of those days.

It turns out people can get away with that when they're teenagers, but not when they're adults.

I never really cut class before. I always did my best to be Ms.goody-two-shoes.

And you know what? It sucks.

I get tired of following the rules, sometimes. Of always doing what I'm supposed to do. I've used up my patience on the ENDT program. I tried to do what I was supposed to do. I tried to stay in line. And it got me absolutely nowhere.

So now I want to stop pretending I'm one of them-- show my true colors, show my wild streak, laugh at how uncomfortable it makes them.

But I won't. That's what being an adult means-- you have to ignore those impulses.

Well, most of the time, anyways. But when I draw and write, I can be as crazy as I want. Creative outlets give me the ability to get my impulses down on paper-- and then let them go. Once something is on paper, it's out of my brain. Sometimes I can just imagine doing something vividly enough that I don't feel the need to do it anymore.

For example, I can imagine punching someone in the face, and it calms me down. Because I can imagine things vividly enough that it feels like I actually did it, sometimes.

I think that's why I like main characters who are kind of assholes-- because they say and do all the things I want to do, but don't, because it's rude or a bad idea.

It's hard to balance what I should do with what I want to do. I don't see it as having difficulty with impulse control-- I just have a lot of impulses. And if I don't indulge some of them, I'll go bonkers.

I'm still figuring out which kinds of impulses are okay to do, and which ones aren't.

A lot of it is, I have gut feelings about things. Intuitions. But I have a hard time separating what my intuition is from my emotional state.

I don't think intuitions are psychic whatevers. I think it's that I pick up on clues I didn't realize I picked up on. And those can be right or wrong, but they're usually right.

Of course, often, there are datum that I don't actually know, that are crucial to understanding...

Sigh.

Life is complicated.

Rambley rambleston

Journal

I don't know what to do anymore. Everything is so damn confusing. I keep getting headaches. I want to go home.

I don't want to have this meeting. I don't think it will help. I don't really think anything will. I've basically lost all hope of passing the ENDT program by now.

That being said, probably anything else would suck just as much. It's still going to be really goddamn hard-- becoming an adult is supposed to be hard.

But still... I still want to quit and go home. I'd be so relieved.

But I have to keep trying. Other people have hope it can work out. So I have to keep going.

Ugh. I'm so tired. I want to go home and sleep-- so I can go back to that dream I was having before.

I dreamt I was in requited love. It was the most amazing feeling. I felt safe and warm and... Happy. Truly happy. That kind of happiness that could keep you warm for the rest of your life.

I dreamt I had a man who I loved, and loved me back. And when he held me, all the things that upset me didn't exist. For a little while, everything felt right in the world, like all the pieces had fallen into their places. I was whole, and fine the way I was.

I wish I could keep that feeling with me all the time. 

If that's really what love really feels like, then no wonder people do crazy things to find it, get it, or keep it.

And why trashy romance novels sell so well.

I wish I could have stayed dreaming. But (cliché alert!) sooner or later, you have to wake up.

Plus, if I hadn't, I would either not remember it at all, or my dreams would have gone completely south. The night before last, I had a pretty bad dream. It bordered on a nightmare. 

Side note: I found out nightmares are the dreams that are so terrifying you wake yourself up, and are afraid to back to sleep. Not just bad dreams- HORRIFIC ones. So I guess I just have "bad dreams", not nightmares.

Anyways. I kind of wish I could get that kind of love I felt in my dream in real life. But love is one of the few things that you can't just get by working harder. I mean, sure, you can try to meet more people, and at places that correspond to your interests and values, but it's primarily a game of chance. It's like the lottery, only a little more likely. You just have to keep playing until your numbers get pulled.

But I guess if all it required was hard work, I would have found my life partner already.

Bah.

Well, whatever. I guess I should go study for my CPR/BLS class or something. I ran out of words.

Stress

Ugh. I'm still so stressed out. I mean, I knew this was going to be bad, but goddamn. I want to crawl into bed and never leave. I want to do nothing.

But I can't, because I have studying to do.

I really, really, really hate this. I don't know whether this is going to get better. I need it to.

I really don't know whether this is something I can handle.

I'm so stressed. I think I'm on the verge of a breakdown.

Apparently, I do this every quarter. So I don't know if this is different.

I just... I wish the quarter was over. I wish I wasn't so overloaded.

I hate having to ask for help, but I guess I need it.

I think I'm doing the Aspie spiral. Because it feels like everything sucks and everything will always suck here. I hope not.

I think I better call in more reinforcements.

Hmmm...

Ugh. I feel like absolute crap right now.

This quarter so far has been really hard for me. I haven't wanted to admit it, but I'm honestly not sure I can do it. And I'm not sure I can be an ENDT. In fact, I'm pretty sure healthcare in general isn't the right field for me.

I've been dragged so far out of my comfort zone. I get up early in the morning and go home late at night. I've been inundated with the sheer amount of material from Neuroanatomy & Physiology, and the Professor has no idea what he's doing, since he has no training or experience with teaching-- and he's also a chiropractor, so it doesn't even relate to my field. They just switched over to a new interface for the hybrid classes (which we use) and it's a complete and total mess-- nothing is working right and no one knows how to use it. So, frequently, the information on the class website is wrong, but I have no idea which is what. Very little of this is presented visually, which is how I NEED it to be to understand it. The other ENDTs mostly don't seem to like me. I'm really bad at making the electrode marks. (There are some other cons to the class, but I'm forgetting them.)

When I work in a hospital, it's going to be just as bad if not worse. I'm going to have to deal with children, which means screaming, crying, and possibly injury-- me and them. (Kids bite!) I have to worry about breaking confidentiality, which is INCREDIBLY complicated. And I have to navigate the inscrutable social rules of Neurotypicals. Not to mention the bad smells and emergency situations. (Apparently, it's actually OFFENSIVE to people to hold your nose when they smell bad. Even if it's completely awful. Wtf?!)

So, yeah, I'm thinking this was a bad idea.

EDIT: venting made me feel better about it. New resolve and all that.

Perfectionism is overrated

Reading about perspective hurts my brain. But it made me realize that there are about a million things to take into consideration when drawing. If something looks funny, you have to ask why. But there are so many things it could be, maybe it's not worth worrying about.

The reason I don't get mad at myself when I make a mistake in knitting is because I keep in mind that there are hundreds, if not thousands, of stiches in any given piece you're making. So one stitch every now and then is still a pretty good batting average.

I'm just now realizing that drawing is a lot more similar than I thought.

I think I'll just draw for fun and not worry about getting it perfect. Besides, art is supposed to be freedom, right?

Stupid wonky sleep schedule.

It turns out when you wake up at 4:30 AM, an hour earlier than you were planning to, there's really not much to do. Go figure.